Mackenzie's Puss Diaries

Please pray for me.

hotxxxblonde@gmail.com — 2008-06-25T17:12:30-07:00

I am going to keep this short because I am very weak and it is difficult to sit upright to type but I feel I owe you all an update. I am very very sick and the prognosis does not look good for me but I am doing everything I can to get better. I truly hope I can come back to this site healthy again. Please keep me in your thoughts.

I am not checking my emails because it is too hard for me to respond to everyone. I just wanted to thank those that sent donations through Amazon's Honor Payments. It was unexpected and I am thankful.

You are angels.
Thank you for your prayers.

Some important news

hotxxxblonde@gmail.com — 2008-01-20T10:48:03-08:00

It's been a little over a month since my last update. I miss everyone so much and this has been very difficult but there have been some pretty big things happening and that's why I have been pretty non-existent.

Aside from the financial troubles, I'm still struggling but it's better than it was awhile back, my health has taken a couple turns for the worse but I seem to be getting a few more answers. I have a suspicious mass that is very large that has take over one of my ovaries threatening to cut off blood supply. They are concerned that it is a cancerous tumor and I have to have pretty major surgery in a couple weeks to have it removed and tested to make sure I am cancer free. I am very young and this is very frightening to me. I'm on a lot of pills and hormones and it has made me a bit of an emotional wreck.

On top of that I have been bleeding continuously for 3 months and paralyzed with abdominal pain. After numerous ultrasounds, a test finally revealed that the cause is in my uterus and I have to have a piece of it removed. I'm seeing some pretty specialized doctors and they say that this is the only way I will stop bleeding. They're going to do that procedure at the same time as removal of the other thing, but there will be two different incisions.

There's been some other health stuff going on and I just have not been feeling well at all. I've been in the hospital three times recently and am just on a ton of medications and painkillers which makes me feel less than stellar.

I am really hoping that this surgery goes well and I stop bleeding so I can get back to my baby (this site). I keep the stack of orders I still have as a reminder and motivation that I need to get through this. I miss being so detached, medicated and looking like a flake, cause that's not me. It's also not so peachy having blood coming out of your vajay-jay 24/7 for months and there's nothing you can do about it. :( You all have been like a family to my and I'm not taking off so fast.

My email is completely backed up, but I'm going to try to go through it a bit (there's a few thousand emails in there- yikes!). My pre-op is the first week of February and as soon as I can figure out my recovery time I'll keep you updated. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. You guys are what keeps me going!

Love,
Mackenzie

I'm still kickin'

hotxxxblonde@gmail.com — 2007-12-05T14:03:55-08:00

The time has passed by both fast and slow. I am not doing great but I am hanging in there. There are no words to say how amazing you all are. I could never imagined such an outpouring of support from strangers and I am eternally grateful. I still have a place to stay right now (knock on wood) but I have been going through a lot lately and haven't been around much.

My health took a big turn for the worse and I spent the night in the emergency room the other night. I have been on mandatory bed rest and on a tremendous amount of medication that makes me pretty dazed and confused. My fever is still around 102 for the fourth day in a row but I'm staying positive. The best guess is that something viral complicated my already un-diagnosed medical problems. I can't breathe very well and have to use this machine every so often that elevates my heart rate pretty high so I have to be careful. I've spent a lot of time thinking and I think it's best to try to remain positive.

I have wanted to and am planning on opening up the store again once I am a little more in my sorts and I have a list of orders that will be going out before any new ones are accepted. I had hoped to do this a little sooner rather than later but right before I ended up in the emergency room I started bleeding unexpectedly again (this has happened a few times) and there's an unusual mass on one of my ovaries which is suspicious and I have to go have an ultrasound again to monitor it in the next week to rule out it being a tumor. :( I guess when it rains it pours.

This is one of my favorite times of year with Christmas and my birthday but it's been a little bittersweet lately but I am trying to keep a smile on my face. I have not forgotten about any of you. I just don't have the strength right now to respond to emails but I hope I will be feeling a little bit better in the coming days and can try to get back into the swing of things.

I know it's been a long wait and I thank you for your patience. I still have a stack of those orders sitting here just waiting to be worn and they will be. I'm hoping 2008 will be my best year ever.

Thank you for your support, love, and kindness. It does not go unappreciated.

No Internet

hotxxxblonde@gmail.com — 2007-10-25T11:20:15-07:00

I don't have internet right now. I didn't pay the bill and I didn't see the point if I'm not going to have a place to live. I am connecting using someone else's wireless connection right now. I apologize if you have emailed me, I will respond after I post this.

Thank you again to those who have helped thus far. Those little bits have helped and I was able to put a little money towards the rent which extended my notice till tomorrow. I have no idea what I'm going to do tomorrow, because I do not have the money to pay the remaining amount. My health insurance payment is due at the end of the month too, and at this point I'm weighing what is more important and to me health insurance is more important so I guess I'll have to make my final decision tomorrow as to what I'm going to do. I'm applying for disability, something my doctor told me to do over a year ago and I should've listened, which should give me access to food stamps and goverment healthcare, but in the mean time I need to make sure I have health insurance as my prescriptions total over $1k a month so I would not be able to afford them without it.

I appreciate the kind words most of you have sent but I feel like I need to respond to something that really hurt me. I'm generally a tough person but maybe it's because I'm so low at this point that this really affected me.

I received an email from someone disputing my situation. They attacked me claiming I'm just looking to take people's money and used evidence of my last auction, the Xbox auction. I wanted to say that first, I did not get enough from that auction to be able to afford the Xbox in the first place. Shortly there after all of this financial stuff started to unload and I used that money to pay some outstanding medical bills.

It may not make sense to those of you who have never experienced devestating medical issues, but I am not in a position to even take a job working part-time, even at McDonalds. If this is incomprehensible, I ask you at the very least to be thankful that you can't understand this. I would never wish this on anyone. Be thankful that you are able to do the simple things, like shower, without difficulty. The problem lies not with having a serious medical condition, but in that it has yet to be diagnosed and properly treated and at this point my doctors are trying anything and everything to figure out what is wrong. I have extensive medical debt because I have undergone nearly every test my twelve doctors have come up with and tried numerous medications and therapies.

I have struggled financially for awhile but it has never been this dire and has gone in waves. I panicked awhile back because I thought this day was coming but I ended up getting by and so I went back to putting up the "everything is great" facade I do so well. Not too long ago I was able to do occasional work here and there but I have gotten worse and that is no longer possible. I had the hopes that a large sum of money was coming through with regards to a lawsuit, and so I was not concerned, but I lost and here I am.

I don't know how often I will be able to get online and check my email. I don't know how much longer I can keep this site up. I'm not sure where I'm going to be living soon, but I just wanted to thank those who care. You don't have to send anything. You don't even have to read this, but what good does it do to just try to hurt someone you don't even know with a nasty email? I didn't get here by buying extravagant things. Do I wish I could have those things? Of course. But I wish I could be healthy more than anything because that's my golden ticket and no amount of money can buy that at this point.

And no, I'm not lying...

Eviction Notice Came Today

hotxxxblonde@gmail.com — 2007-10-22T10:46:41-07:00

I have 3 days to pay October's rent or I'm thrown out and then November's is due on the 1st. :( I don't know if it's the stress or related to everything else medically but I noticed a lot of my hair is falling out. I don't know what to do anymore.

It feels pretty bleak right now but I want to sincerely thank those who have helped. Really, thank you.

PLEASE READ

hotxxxblonde@gmail.com — 2007-10-18T11:07:14-07:00

** I DON'T CARE IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE ON MY SITE, I KNOW IT'S LONG, JUST PLEASE READ THIS **

I am home now. I am okay but I'm sicker than I wanted to ever admit. I am not well enough yet to start responding to emails or orders yet but I will get there soon I hope. I am still bleeding (it's been 2 weeks now) and now is when my period was scheduled so I anticipate bleeding for at least another week. I am trying to get into the gynocologist to figure out what is wrong. I apologize from the bottom of my heart for the wait. I will send everything out as soon as I am better.

I debated whether or not to even post this but I feel like it is my last resort, so here I go....

Those who know me, know I am a very private person-- not just my online life but my personal life as well. I've been hurt a lot and I have a hard time letting anyone in, so to speak. When things are bad, when I am hurting, I put on a good facade. I have a lot of acquaintences, but few people I would call real friends. I put up a wall and I'm really good at it. I appear to be the girl who has it all, the one you'd be envious of but next time you see a pretty girl it's not always what it seems. It certainly is not with me.

I never really thought I was as sick as I was. I think I just talked myself out of believing it because I don't "look" sick. I have a serious medical condition that is not completely diagnosed, after several years of pusuing vigorous medical testing and care. I could always function, but I am easily exhausted and I was never near the functioning ability of peers my same age.

I gave up awhile ago on doctors because I couldn't take the constant disappoint and discouragement. No treatment they would try would work, so I stopped going. My condition has notibly worsened over the last year and it's at the point where I can hardly do the simple things like running to the drug store without making a whole day of it. The past two years I have been unable to hold a full time job because of my condition and at this point it would be unthinkable. I do some work here and there, aside from running this site, to try to make ends meet but even the occasional modeling job is becoming difficult and I'm not well enough to do as many as I used to.

I have talked very little about my financial situation, except that I am in a tremendous amount of debt (alot of it medical related)-- approximately 30k. There was some legal stuff that I truly believed would come through to alleviate a big chunk of it, but after almost a year of waiting, I found out that is no longer the case. My credit, which used to be flawless, in two years has become almost as low as it can go, because of it.

Every bill I have is long overdue-- phone, internet, electricity, and rent which is now at almost 2 months overdue. I wake up every day and pray there is not an eviction notice on my front door, though I know it's coming any day now. My internet and phone could be shut down any day. There are many more details but they pry far too deep into my personal life that even the people closest to me do not know. I do not know where I am going to go if I get evicted. There are reasons that prevent me from being able to call on my parents, but even if I was to move in with them I would no longer be able to run this site.

If this seems absurd and extreme, it feels that way to me, like I am living in someone else's world, but I am telling 100% the truth. This is humiliating and discouraging and I don't know what to do. I am not eligible for goverment aid or food stamps until I can get back into the specialist that would be able to put me on disability, because otherwise I am considered "employable" but it is evident that I am unable to work. I lost 5lbs in the past two days because I could afford nothing but ramen noodles. I am looking into local resources for food pantries at churches and non-profits but I can't bring myself to go to a soup kitchen yet. I haven't even been able to buy tampons and have resorted to shoving toilet paper in my panties. It makes me feel really pathetic and I really need help but I feel like there's nowhere to go and I am so sick.

I'm in a really difficult position right now. It costs me around $30 a month to run this site and I do not even have enough money to feed myself, yet this is my only income right now and I desperately need money to live. I asked you to read this only to know where I am and what is going on. If you want to help, I will take any help you can give-- whether it's money to help pay the bills, grocery store gift cards, walmart gift cards (for groceries), gas cards, even food. Anything will help, even one dollar. Please do not use the amazon donation link as it takes a very long time for me to get any money you might send through there.

My inbox is flooded right now so I set up a separate email address if you would sincerely like to help. I will check it as often as I can. As soon as I am able to start wearing your panties again, I will send things out asap. There is enough money in my bank account to cover the shipping for the orders that are waiting to be sent out. Call me crazy, but I'll starve before I touch that money because I don't consider it mine and I have no way of paying the shipping on the orders if I were to use it. As humiliating as this is, I still have respect for my customers and your orders WILL be sent out eventually even if I manage to be in a shelter.

If you got this far, I really appreciate that genuinely took the time to read this. I posted it in News and here so hopefully it will be seen. I am not trying to beg, I just feel like I need to be honest.

If you would like to help in anyway
PLEASE EMAIL ME at helpmackenzie@gmail.com

Humbly,
Mackenzie

Complications- Still Away :(

hotxxxblonde@gmail.com — 2007-10-13T11:38:57-07:00

I haven't been able to get my computer until now but there were some major complications with my surgery and I am pretty sick right now. It looks like I won't be back until the 23rd at this point as I need to have another surgery next week. Those who have paid orders and/or auctions, I will be sending you something extra for the inconvenience as I always do if orders tend to be significantly delayed.

Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I won't have access to email for awhile and will not be able to send out any orders until I return. This was completely unexpected.

xx
Mackenzie

Out 10/3-10/10

hotxxxblonde@gmail.com — 2007-10-02T18:20:07-07:00

I will not be around starting tomorrow through the middle of the next week. I am having surgery (I'm ok, and it's elective) and will not have access to my email or a computer during that time. If you send me an order or emails, I will respond when I get back. Thanks guys!

Since I will not be able to update the Panty Pic of the Week this weekend, I'm posting one below. :)

Blah Blah Blah

hotxxxblonde@gmail.com — 2007-09-28T19:35:10-07:00

I got a renewed prescription for Percocet today. I'm not terribly excited as the sheer number of pills I'm on ends up makes me continually dry heave. Nice huh? Espcially since I have to take two Percocet to be of any consequence. Good thing is, another $50 in Target giftcards from bringing in two more prescriptions. You can just call me the Prescription Queen. I might as well go ahead and open my own pharmacy.

It's a day of pessimism so just bear with me. I started bleeding a little today. I'm on birth control pills right now to control exactly that, but sure enough out of no where I'm spotting-- not a lot but enough. Sorry if that's too much info. Hey, it's a fetish for some but a sheer annoyance when it's not supposed to be that time of the month. Hopefully that will subside. I'm pretty much on target with orders, but like I need something else to push shipping dates back. *sigh* I'm hoping it will subside in the next day or so. It's a minor disturbance but on top of everything going on it's irritating.

I updated the Panty Pic of the Week and the Dirty Joke of the Week a little early this week. I usually do it on Sunday or Monday but I'm anticipating probably not feeling up to doing much so I thought I'd get it out of the way. Enjoy your eye candy and giggles early this week.

I plan on listing a new auction in the next day or so, as soon as I feel up to breaking out the tripod and camera and doing all the photos. A lot of people don't realize but man, that stuff takes so much time. Anyway, it's cute and themed so it should be a good time. You know how I love themes.

Have a good weekend boys and girls.

(Pity) Parties, Scratches, & Texas

hotxxxblonde@gmail.com — 2007-09-28T14:05:59-07:00

I hate to sound like I'm throwing myself a pity party, but sometimes it's hard to pretend like everything is perfect and I am just always as cheery as my website design suggests. It's not just my neck, which has actually decided to lock again on the right side-- there's a lot of personal things which I don't share. Perhaps it would make more sense if I did, my gloom and doom sometimes, but I'm just not about to air those things to the world right now, maybe never. Well, I guess that's all I'll say about that. There are many times when I get so caught up in what's going on in my life that it seems easier to just leave the panty business but I don't because I miss it too much when I have taken those breaks now and then.

Last night was rough and I didn't end up going to sleep till after 6am. Too many things on my mind. I'll all aches right now. I got a nasty little scratch on my stomach. So if you notice a hand strategically placed in your photos, you'll know why. It actually looks better in the picture than it does in person. Let's just say, in person you can see it a mile away.

On a more positive note, someone loves me in Texas :) Look what I got in the mail. Thank you G for the gift card and the cute license plate. I didn't even know they made them with my name on them.

Ok, that's it for now. I'll leave you with a song. <3